Is There Room for Doubt?
Doubt.
Does anyone else struggle with doubt like I do?
It seems like I’m constantly dealing with doubt in every area of my life.
I doubt I’m a good mom…
I doubt I’m a good wife…
I doubt I’m a good friend…
I doubt people would want to be my friend…
I doubt I’m accomplishing everything I’m supposed to…
I doubt I can achieve my dreams…
I doubt I can be used by God…
I doubt my story is worth sharing…
I doubt God is proud of me…
I doubt God’s love for me…
Perhaps your list of doubts looks similar, or perhaps, it looks different. Either way, the struggle with doubt is the same for many of us.
Around 4th-5th grade, my favorite verse was Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”
This verse gave me confidence. I believed if I followed the commands in this verse everything in life would work out perfectly. If I trusted God, depended on Him, and sought His will, He would direct my path, and life would be a breeze.
Let’s just say I had a lot to learn! As a child, I had no concept of what difficulties could lie ahead. It didn’t take long for my faith to feel shaken.
I woke up to my parents fighting. Eventually, the front door slammed, and my dad left in the middle of the night. I remember lying in bed listening to my mother cry. I was scared. I was sad. I was confused. The next morning mom acted normal, yet I knew things weren’t right. Within a few months, my parents were separated, and life as I knew it changed. By summer, we were moving to a new town, living in a different house, and finding a new school. My mom, my sister, and I made the best of the situation. But still, I questioned if this was God’s path. I mean, I trusted Him, but this was hard and full of uncertainty.
That’s my first memory of real doubt. I doubted if life was ever going to feel normal again. I doubted if my dad really loved me. I doubted if God really saw me and cared about what I was going through.
In 2010, I made the difficult decision to leave a ministry position that I loved. I had been serving as a Youth & Children’s minister for 5 years, and although it had been tiring and hard work, it had also been my greatest joy. I had watched the program grow and built relationships with loads of people, but I knew God was asking me to do something else. My special needs son was finishing up his kindergarten year, and it had been a nightmare. He had been discriminated against in the regular classroom, and we were unhappy with the school. Numerous phone calls, school visits, and meetings had taken place, including a class change, but my heart was still uneasy. God started putting an idea in my path. An idea I basically tossed aside because I loved my job.
Soon it became too difficult to ignore God’s leading, so I began to consider the idea and do some research. Eventually, it was clear that God was calling me to be at home with my kids and to homeschool all of them. This meant leaving my ministry position. To be honest, I was sad when I gave my notice and resignation, yet I was confident in God’s leading.
Let me remind you that I loved the people I served. I had built relationships with them. But once I gave my notice, something changed. People I respected talked about me behind my back. They said things about me that weren’t true, and they treated me unkindly. Granted it was only a few, but it broke my heart. I cried lots of tears throughout my final weeks. I remember questioning God and asking why I had to experience such hurt when I was just trying to follow His leading.
At the same time, one of my best friends was walking through a very difficult time in her marriage. She had made some choices I didn’t agree with, and we spent a great deal of time sharing our thoughts with one another. This often took place via text, a quick call, or email as I was home with 3 young kids. And then came an email from her that would change everything. An email from my closest confidant that basically told me I was a horrible and unsupportive friend. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say she tore the framework of who I was to shreds.
It knocked me off my feet, took my breath away, and broke my heart. I was destroyed. And the doubt came crashing in from all sides, and I spent months trying to keep from drowning completely. I cried so much. My poor husband listened to me night after night as I tried to make sense of it all. I felt like I had been shattered into tiny pieces, and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The doubt had overcome me. I questioned everything about who I was as a person. I found myself so full of doubt that I retreated away from interaction. Thank goodness for a husband who listened and spoke words of encouragement to me. Thank goodness for other friends who reached out to help me stay afloat when the world felt like it was closing in.
But they couldn’t stop the voices of doubt that called out to me near constantly. It took around a year before I felt like I wasn’t drowning. It took a year for the near-constant struggle to subside, but the scars of doubt are still there.
Fast forward to just a few years ago. I had received a call about a family situation that left my parents devastated. My sister had made some choices that left her facing criminal charges. I watched helplessly as my parents tried to process the news. They were struggling. I listened as they shared their feelings of grief and shock and realized they were being bombarded by doubt.
I remember taking some time to process alone in my room. I was praying and asking God for guidance on how to handle this situation. God spoke clearly to me that morning and told me that although we were caught off guard by what was happening, He was not. Immediate peace flooded over me. And once the peace came, I didn’t look back. I changed my focus to caring for my parents who needed me to help combat the doubt they were being consumed by.
I could tell story after story of difficult times from my life, and I could share all the doubts that would come crashing down in each circumstance. I’m sure we all have moments we can share.
In thinking back through those moments in my life, I find that every time doubt would begin to cloud my perspective, I would have one of two reactions. Sometimes, I would be overcome with the weight of doubt, beat down by the what-ifs, and defeated by circumstances. Yet other times, the doubt would spark a desire for answers and reassurance, and I would read and pray and seek the answer that would drive away the doubt.
What if I told you both responses were okay?
Some of the most popular Bible stories about leaders in faith involved doubt didn’t they?
I imagine Noah had his doubts when God told him to build the ark.
I imagine Moses had his doubts when God told him to part the Red Sea.
I imagine Abraham had serious doubts when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac.
And Thomas plainly stated his doubts when he was told Jesus was alive.
But none of them gave up on their faith. They continued on, confident in the God they served. And despite the doubts they most likely experienced, their stories are shared today for their faith.
Rob Bell says, “Take faith, for example. For many people in our world, the opposite of faith is doubt. The goal, then, within this understanding, is to eliminate doubt. But faith and doubt aren't opposites. Doubt is often a sign that your faith has a pulse, that it's alive and well and exploring and searching. Faith and doubt aren't opposites, they are, it turns out, excellent dance partners.”
It’s hard to admit that I struggle with doubt, but doubt is a part of my story. Doubt has impacted my faith. It causes me to search for answers, and it pushes me to be the best version of myself I can be. Because even if doubt is part of my story, I want to be remembered for my faith.
“Doubt is a question mark; faith is an exclamation point. The most compelling, believable, realistic stories have included them both.” --Criss Jami
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