Stuck in the Pre-Resurrection Lane

I do not want to write this blog post. Pastor Doug’s sermon hit a little too close to home for me. If you are reading this, you probably know me as the Melanie you see on Sunday mornings, or during our Facebook Live weekly prayer time, or at Students on Wednesday nights. That Melanie is a fraud. That is not the Melanie that my husband and kids live with. I wish it was. That Melanie is bold in her faith. She doesn’t shy away from an opportunity to pray with and for people. She doesn’t back down from a chance to talk about faith. She is a little more fearless, and I wish I was more like her all the time.

So, I don’t have a Timothy story. I didn’t have a mother and grandmother praying over me as I grew up. My grandmother was excommunicated from the Catholic church, so my mom did not grow up in church or have a lot of church experience when she was younger. I did not grow up in church either. A friend of mine from the neighborhood invited me to church when I was in fourth grade, and I began to go with her family every now and then. The Sunday School teacher described the way she felt after accepting Jesus into her heart one day, and I knew right then that I wanted that. From that day on, I chased that feeling all by myself. 

As I began to learn more and more about Jesus and His ministry, one of His disciples really resonated with me. As an adult, I began to identify really strongly with him. I could see a lot of my true self in him through the Gospel stories, both good and bad. That disciple is Peter. 

PR (pre-resurrection) Peter was bold for Jesus…until he wasn’t. When in the right situations and surrounded by the right people, PR Peter wasn’t afraid to defend his Rabbi. He wasn’t afraid to stand for Jesus under the right circumstances. I really do feel like this is me in a lot of ways. In the right situation and when surrounded by the right people, I am bold for Jesus too. Change the setting and/or the people, and all bets are off unfortunately. I really wish that wasn’t the case. 

I began working with kids at a church in the year 2000. When I had children of my own and they were old enough, they came to work with me. By the time they came to work with me, I was in charge. I did the curriculum for the program, and I was the one that led the devotions with the kids at work. My kids grew up with their mom leading devotions at their summer camp and after school program. They saw their mom be bold with her faith while she was at work. What they didn’t see was their mom praying with their father at dinner, with them at bedtime, or reading the Bible daily at home. 

Pastor Doug’s message got me thinking this morning…I wonder if I would have talked about my faith more, prayed with them more, or read the Bible with them more at home if I never worked in a church to begin with. Did I rely on my job to instill those values into my children? Do I still do that? 

I want nothing more than to identify with the post-resurrection Peter. I want the home Melanie, the one that my husband and kids live with, to be the same as the work Melanie. I am working on it, and I believe I will get there some day. I believe that one day I will be bold with my faith no matter where I am or who is around. I do pray over my kids every day; they just don’t see or hear it. I do read my Bible somewhat regularly; it is just usually before anyone else in the house wakes up. 

My kids will have more of a Timothy story than I did. My parents came to faith when I was in high school and college, and they pray over my kids every day. My husband’s two best friends are strong believers, and they have prayed over my kids from the time they were born. I have some very Godly women in my life that also love my kids and pray over them regularly. My family is part of an amazing church family, and my kids have a front row seat to learn what that looks like and how to be a part of one. 

I guess what I’m saying is that I have done my best to ensure that my children are surrounded by people that love them like Jesus does. People that lift them up in prayer. Have I done it perfectly? No. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Yes. Do I wish that I was bold in my faith and bold for Jesus at home with my family? Absolutely. I am still a work in progress, and I hope my kids know that they are still a work in progress too. One day I will reach post-resurrection Peter status, and until then, I will keep moving towards Jesus. I will try my best to keep my eyes on Him and follow His lead. I will strive to conquer my fears and be bold each and every day in each and every situation I find myself in. Most importantly, I will try to stay focused on the time I have left with my kids, and stop allowing what I see as my past failures to drag me down and keep me distracted from the present moments with my family.