Fairytales Take Work
Let me tell you a little secret about myself. I’m a hopeless romantic.
I absolutely love a love story. Bring on the romantic comedies, the Nicholas Sparks books, the fairytales, the Hallmark marathons…I LOVE IT ALL!
I met my husband when I was 16 and married him at 22. I remember in the early days of marriage when we didn’t have money to go out for fancy dinners, we planned a date night in. We planned to grab some take-out Chinese food and watch a movie at home. I was so excited! In my mind, we would have this movie-type experience where we ate our Chinese food from the little white paper boxes with chopsticks in the living room. We’d be wrapped up in blankets and just get lost in the movie and each other and end up staying up super late just talking and dreaming about our future.
Let’s just say reality didn’t meet my expectations. First of all, most of our food came in plastic containers. No big deal, I adjusted and planned to move food around, so we could eat out of the boxes with our chopsticks. My husband thought I was ridiculous, and he absolutely refused to eat with chopsticks because, apparently, it takes too much effort to eat that way. My romanticized evening was quickly brought to reality, and I was disappointed.
I should probably mention, my husband is not romantically inclined. Oh, he can be romantic, but it takes lots of time and effort for him. It doesn’t come naturally.
So, what happens when a hopeless romantic marries a non-romantic? Lots of work and a whole lot of Jesus!
My husband and I must work at making our marriage work for both of us. One way we do this is by choice.
We simply choose to love no matter what.
During our pre-marital counseling, we were given a piece of advice that we took completely to heart. Our pastor advised us to never use the word “divorce” in our home. He said that if we refused to throw that word around as an option, we would be more likely to find ways to overcome whatever we were facing.
Gary Chapman says, “Love is a choice you make everyday.”
1 John 3:18 says, “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.”
Please understand, making a choice to love no matter what doesn’t mean there haven’t been some pretty rough days. Life is hard, and marriage involves two people with completely different perspectives and expectations. So there have been fights, disagreements, and hurts, but through each situation, we knew that neither one of us was going anywhere. That despite how much we might not like each other at the moment; our love was still there.
This meant still serving one another in the midst of our disagreement. I still did the laundry and cooked dinner. He still texted when he got to work and thanked me for my efforts at home. Our household still ran smoothly without tension because we chose to continue loving each other through our actions.
Another way we work at making our marriage work is through forgiveness.
We make an effort to forgive freely and often.
Let’s face it, we are imperfect people. Therefore, we are bound to do things that will cause irritation or even hurt at times. So, we have to practice forgiveness often.
He must overlook when the house doesn’t get cleaned one week (or two). I must overlook the fact that he didn’t hear a word I just said when I thought he was paying attention. I must try to overlook the alarm buzzing for several minutes as I wait for him to FINALLY turn it off. He must tolerate a wife with a perfectionist personality who is never satisfied with just good enough.
Proverbs 17:9 says, “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.”
Ephesians 4:32 says, “Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Mother Theresa said, “If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.”
Forgiveness is hard sometimes. Sometimes the hurt is overwhelming, and we can’t just overlook the offense. I’m certain every relationship has experienced this at least once. Those times are tough, and it takes work to find your way to a place of forgiveness.
Max Lucado said, “Relationships don’t thrive because the guilty are punished, but because the wounded are merciful.”
It’s no secret that my parents divorced when I was 12 years old. My relationship with my father was an area of struggle for me for many years. I often couldn’t understand his choices and wondered why he didn’t seem to place any value on our relationship. While in college, I read something that completely changed my perspective.
Not everyone loves like I do. My 100% wasn’t necessarily someone else’s 100%.
This realization was pivotal for me. When I love someone, I love big and completely. From my perspective, my father never loved at the same level as me. This meant I always felt less than or jilted; he only loved me at 50%. But what if the level he was loving me at was his 100%? I was judging his love on my scale, and it was always lacking. But if I stepped back and considered that his scale was different, then he was loving me fully; he was giving me his best.
This changed our relationship. I no longer expected a love that he couldn’t give but accepted the love that he was able to give. I was able to forgive the deficit and found peace. Do I occasionally have to refocus and choose forgiveness again? Of course! But in the words of Robert Muller, “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
Even more important than choosing to love no matter what and forgiving freely, we work at our marriage through loving each other with purpose.
We work to communicate our love effectively.
Georg C. Lichtenberg said, “Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.”
I remember back to the dating years and how I just knew all of those barely noticeable imperfections in my significant other would definitely disappear once we were married. Hahaha…I was so wrong. On the contrary, viewing those imperfections through the lens of marriage only amplified them.
Needless to say, my hopelessly, romantic self had a lot to learn about being married. I had so many expectations; none of which my husband was aware of. We had to learn how to deal with our now very noticeable differences.
Romans 12:10 says, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”
It didn’t take long for me to remember a book I read in college and decide it was worth looking at together. The 5 Love Languages was a game-changer for our relationship. It provided opportunities to learn more about each other and insight into how to love each other better.
We quickly learned that we received love in completely opposite ways. Therefore, we often communicated our love poorly because we spoke different love languages. It was such an eye-opener for us, and now we work to make sure we are loving each other effectively.
This takes work! Loving through my personal love language comes naturally, so I must work to communicate my love for my husband in his love language. I want to make sure he feels loved, so I enjoy finding ways to share my love with him in his language. Of course, sometimes I fall short, and I must remind myself to just keep trying.
John 13:34 says, “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.”
Jesus commands us to love others as He has loved us. It’s hard to imagine being able to love someone like Jesus does, but I believe Jesus models for us how to have loving relationships with others.
He chooses to love us no matter what.
Isaiah 54:10: For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain. My covenant of blessing will never be broken,” says the Lord, who has mercy on you.
2. He forgives us freely and often.
Micah 7:18: Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love.
3. He loves us with a genuine affection for who we are.
1 John 3:1: See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him.
Philippians 2: 1-5: Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
In order to love well, we must work to love as Jesus does.
RESOURCES
“The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
